Posted on August 24th, 2008 by admin

Celebrities, though not necessarily difficult, are also different from you and me (I’m not a celebrity so we’re not talking about me). These are my rules for the famous:

1. Talk quietly. Don’t burble. Say how honored you are when introduced but don’t get all sweaty, agitated and babbly.
2. The more facts you have, the better. Familiarity with their obscure movie (book, play, concert tour, speech to the U.N.) will endear you. If there’s an opportunity, introduce this knowledge into the conversation. If there isn’t (other people are hogging your celebrity and you can’t get on), don’t have a conniption fit ( as we used to say in Little Rock) or get pushy. Maybe you’ll get a shot later.
3. Don’t talk too much about yourself—important rule—even if encouraged. Just dole out tiny portions of your life or the celebrity’s eyes will roll around in his head. There are very few “homey” famous people. They may seem homey (you are misled by their moldy tennis shoes and Midwestern twang), but never fear, they are fully aware of who they are (somebody) and who you are (nobody) and have reason to feel you are not as interesting as they. Even if you are genuinely funny (some mouseburgers actually are), I would keep a low profile because you’re on celebrity turf and if you hold the floor, nobody—especially the celebrity—will be very comfortable. A celebrity has earned being center of attention . . . you have not.
4. Take the celebrity’s helpers seriously. You may think, Oh, that’s just his Cro-Magnon hairdresser or his masseur . . . nobody . . . and feel free to ignore them, but these people, even though perhaps monosyllabic conversationalists, spend a lot of time with the celebrity and usually he gets fond of them. If you are ever in a position to help a helper, it wouldn’t be a bad way to get closer to his/her boss.
5. Once friends with a celebrity, do not ask him to entertain at your company dance (they won’t) or let you bring fifteen other friends to meet him (they mostly won’t and who can blame them? . . . that’s being “used,” and you wouldn’t like it either). You will learn they do not give presents. They also do not give any notice when they want to see you. They send for you (”Meet me at Romeo Salta in twenty minutes!”) or show up at your flat unannounced and you are to drop everything, including your undies. They get fond of civilian girls but rarely marry them unless the girls are beautiful or rich. Celebrities are really more satisfactory at a distance—on the stage or on television or possibly at a party where you can just gaze at them—than they are in your life, but you’ll need to go through one or two to find this out for yourself.

Now let’s go on to a problem mouseburgers sometimes have.

Tags: Celebrities, Don't talk too much about yourself, Once friends with a celebrity